Question One: Dear Bailey, this is a dilemma that my friends and I keep talking in circles on. Due to some health issues, I have gone several clothes sizes down. I’m doing well now mentally and physically, but many of my clothes don’t fit. I want my sewist friend to tailor some of my shirts to fit me better so that I don’t have to replace my entire wardrobe. They said it’s selfish of me to keep the clothes when they should be donated to a thrift store. As I was a size 20, I know the struggle of finding clothing in good condition at thrift stores, and in the past I have argued against people using the thrift store to source their “fabric” (I.e., buying much larger clothes) to cut down and make clothes out of. My friend said I’m a hypocrite for refusing to donate any of my shirts, but what can I do?
Response One: I hear so much compassion in what you have written. But here is the core truth: your clothes are yours. Wanting to tailor your pieces to fit your current body is not selfish, it is practical, sustainable, and financially responsible. Altering clothing is actually one of the most environmentally conscious things you can do!
Your friend is framing this as a moral issue, but the fact you are considering both sides of the coin shows you care in the first place. I suggest you alter the pieces you truly love and will wear, and maybe donate others items you don’t feel very attached to. But my bottom line to you is that this is your decision. I understand your friends’ concern, but these are your clothes and this is your decision.
I also think there is an emotional layer to this. When your body changes significantly in any way, clothes can represent memories and seasons of your life. You are allowed to take time to decide what stays. Body sizes can fluctuate all the time, but you are entirely entitled to keep what holds importance to you and alter them to your new size.
You can have empathy for others without sacrificing yourself in the process.
Question Two: How can I help someone realize their need for help?
Response Two: Unfortunately, you can’t force someone to realize they need help. I know that is a hard truth. But there is still action you can take.
Typically, the realization of needing help is when discomfort begins to outweigh the initial denial. Here is what you can do:
- You can express concern without accusation. Tell them you have noticed their concerning behavior lately, but as an observation (without necessarily labeling it as “concerning”).
- You can be specific to them about their behaviors but distinguish it from their character.
- Offer support. You sending in this question shows you care. Be sure you are expressing to them that you are here and ready if they need you.
- Protect your own boundaries if their refusal to seek help affects you. Your well-being matters, too.
Sometimes loving someone can mean planting a seed and just taking a step back. You cannot really drag someone into growth, but you can open a door and let them walk through when they are ready.
Wanting to help someone more than they want it for themselves can be exhausting. I hear you. Make sure you are caring for yourself, too.
You are asking thoughtful questions, and that tells me you care very deeply. I want you to remember: doing the right thing includes caring for yourself.
Thanks for writing in and I know it will all be okay for both of you.
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