We’ve considered a Major League Baseball playoff of mascot combat, but what about football mascots? I am sure you have been brimming with anticipation since the end of the regular season to see who would win Super Bowl LX if matchups were decided not by a football game, but by a fight between the teams’ mascots. Since the Wild Card round concluded before the start of the semester, we will kick off with the Divisional round. We will analyze seven matchups to eventually determine the winner of the first ever Super Bowl of Mascot Combat.
AFC Divisional Round
Buffalo Bills vs. Denver Broncos
Football mascots are a lot less unusual than baseball mascots, right? No. The Buffalo Bills are represented by a buffalo logo, but they were named for William Frederick “Buffalo Bill” Cody, a frontiersman who killed 4,282 buffalo in 18 months. He earned his moniker after defeating William Comstock, 68 animals to 48, in a hunting contest that lasted eight hours. I am not here to teach you history, though I recommend you read about his rather intriguing backstory. I could continue to explain just how tough of competition a bronco may be, but certainly a man who killed over 4,000 buffalo can handle one wild horse, right?
Winner: Buffalo Bills
Houston Texans vs. New England Patriots
Not everything is bigger in Texas. The average American man is 5 feet 9 inches. The average Texan man is 5 feet 9 inches. Take an average man and throw in a little Texas pride, you have quite the force. On the other hand, the average American man in 1776 was 5 feet 8 inches.
With no meaningful size difference, we must look to other factors. There is nothing that a person from Texas loves more than being from Texas. There was nothing that revolutionary Americans wanted more than to be their own nation. Who wants it more? I think it’s impossible to decide.
This matchup could go either way, but there is one fact that leads me towards New England. The patriots of the late 1700s had no business defeating the powerhouse that was the British military, but they did. You can’t count the rebels out in any fight, this one included. That is why I must side with them here.
Winner: New England Patriots
NFC Divisional Round
San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks
A gold-obsessed California miner from 1849 or a fish-hunting osprey? A sea hawk is not considerably large, and, assuming the miner has a pickaxe in hand, I see this being a short, sad fight between the two.
Winner: San Francisco 49ers
Los Angeles Rams vs. Chicago Bears
This is undoubtedly the matchup of the day. Let’s dive into some numbers. A typical ram weighs about 280 pounds, 30 of which are accounted for by his horns. He can be up to six feet long and runs up to 40 miles per hour. For the purpose of fairness in this match, we will allow head-to-head contact. That is where the ram will do most of his damage.
The average male grizzly bear weighs between 400 and 600 pounds, which will help him absorb the ram’s initial attack. On all fours, he is four feet long, considerably shorter than the ram. He can also match the ram’s speed. He has a couple features his opponent does not possess, however. His deadly claws and teeth are enough to convince me to leave him alone.
I see a solid start from the rams, but the massive grizzly bear eventually wears him down and takes this match.
Winner: Chicago Bears
AFC Championship Game
Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots
Now here is an interesting matchup. Both men have a weapon and an intent to kill. Buffalo Bill fought to kill animals and the American rebels fought to free themselves (and evade taxes). For no reason other than The Exponent’s condemnation of animal cruelty, I pick the Patriots.
Winner: New England Patriots
NFC Championship Game
San Francisco 49ers vs. Chicago Bears
Now that you’re familiar with each mascot, you should know this fight won’t be much of a contest. No need to waste ink here.
Winner: Chicago Bears
Super Bowl LX
New England Patriots vs. Chicago Bears
For all the glory, a revolutionary meets a grizzly bear. The patriot has a long-range lethal weapon. Is that enough? Their muskets were not very accurate and many of them weren’t well-trained on them. Also, I assume whoever arranged this bizarre event scheduled it to be in a spectator-filled arena, not an open field where a musket is most valuable against a bear. The bear, at 40 mph, is not giving an untrained fighter a chance to draw his weapon, and he will return to his natural habitat (the streets of downtown Chicago, of course) victorious.
Winner: Chicago Bears
