Have you ever wondered what the Major League Baseball playoffs would look like if there was no baseball played? I have, and I am going to tell you how the 2025 playoffs would play out if winners were determined not by baseball series, but by one-on-one fights between mascots: the people, animals, or things that teams are named for. We will begin with the American League, then move to the National League, and finally determine our World Series of Mascot Combat Champion.
American League
AL Wild Card Series
- Detroit Tigers vs. Cleveland Guardians
We start with one of the tougher matchups to define. We can assume Detroit will present one Bengal tiger, which average between 380 and 580 pounds and can run up to 40 miles per hour. But what is a Guardian? It doesn’t seem very fun to have a tiger fight a statue. So, for the fun of the exercise, we will say that a Guardian is a god who has control over the traffic in the city of Cleveland. That is, of course, what the statues are built to represent. They have winged helmets similar to that of Hermes, the Greek god of travelers and son of Zeus. Hermes has been listed at heights ranging from 5’10” to 7’9”. We will give him the benefit of the doubt (as all of us 5’10” individuals would appreciate) and assume he was 7’0”.
Our Guardian in question is stronger than the typical man, but he certainly would not hold up against a 450-pound tiger. I think the tiger takes this one with relative ease.
Winner: Detroit Tigers
- Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees
Ah, possibly the least interesting matchup of them all. Who wins in a battle between a Yankee (a person residing in the northeast United States) and a pair of red socks? I would sure hope the nor’easter prevails.
Winner: New York Yankees
AL Division Series
- Detroit Tigers vs. Seattle Mariners
A mariner can be thought of as a sailor at sea. Since the Mariners, having a higher seed in the playoffs, have home-field advantage, this fight will occur at sea, on a ship. The sailor will have the advantage of balance on the choppy waters, but will he? A tiger has twice as many legs to stand on, after all. I’m not sure it matters. Our tiger has shown us what he’s made of. If he can beat a mythical man, stronger than most, why should he have any issue with a relatively strong man at sea?
Winner: Detroit Tigers
- New York Yankees vs. Toronto Blue Jays
Blue jays are notoriously mean. So are northeasterners. Who is nastier? I’ll leave that for you to decide. But the average U.S. man weighs 200 pounds, and the average blue jay weighs three ounces. A blue jay can fly up to 25 mph, a U.S. man cannot fly at all. Assuming we are in a contained area, the blue jay will not be able to escape and three ounces of force behind that beak is not enough to take out an irritated New Englander.
Winner: New York Yankees
AL Championship Series
- Detroit Tigers vs. New York Yankees
The tiger’s path just keeps getting easier. It has fought three humans now, each level declining in strength. I hate to bore you, but I think you can see how this would go.
Winner: Detroit Tigers
National League
NL Wild Card Series
- Cincinnati Reds vs. Los Angeles Dodgers
The Cincinnati Reds were named the Red Stockings, then the Reds, then the Redlegs, and eventually the Reds again. Who would’ve thought TWO baseball teams would choose scarlet footwear to represent their identity? A dodger, on the other hand, is simply a Brooklyn man who dodged trolleys on his way to work (or wherever else he was heading). Again, the average man easily has his way with any article of clothing, specifically stockings.
Winner: Los Angeles Dodgers
- San Diego Padres vs. Chicago Cubs
Finally, a matchup to be debated. A padre is a Spanish priest that established the Spanish missions in California. A cub is a baby brown bear, 10-20 pounds in weight, running up to 35 mph, and bearing (get it?) claws. It’s hard to say how much fight a baby bear has in it. I suppose it is also hard to estimate the fight within a Spanish priest. But that’s what makes this fun! I would think a bear cub would be relatively unmotivated to fight. He would not possess the fear that a reasonable man would in the situation. (Everyone who tells you bears are just as scared of you as you are of them is lying.) If the padre can get a hold of the cub, I think he can get the job done.
Winner: San Diego Padres
NL Division Series
- Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Philadelphia Phillies
This is really a matter of who is a better fighter: an 1880s agile Brooklyn man or a current day Philadelphia man. If you’ve ever seen the city of Philadelphia after the Eagles won a Super Bowl, you know these aren’t normal people and they should not be messed with. I don’t think this one is particularly close.
Winner: Philadelphia Phillies
- San Diego Padres vs. Milwaukee Brewers
Is it safe to assume that a brewer from Milwaukee would enter this hypothetical ring intoxicated? I think so. It’s much more fun to imagine it that way. His pre-fight consumption will likely cause a loss in dexterity, a quality crucial to a competitive melee. An old-time Spanish priest isn’t exactly a powerhouse… I bet you didn’t expect to see him making it this far.
Winner: San Diego Padres
NL Championship Series
- Philadelphia Phillies vs. San Diego Padres
An angry Philadelphian (I think they’re always angry) versus a friendly friar. The padre had a cakewalk of sorts to the Championship Series, but he meets his match here. You never know what a Philly fan has up his sleeve, and I think the padre chooses peace in this one.
Winner: Philadelphia Phillies
World Series
- Detroit Tigers vs. Philadelphia Phillies
The moment you’ve been waiting for. As are most sports finales, this one would like ly be anticlimactic. Realistically, a tiger isn’t losing a fight to any MLB mascot, with the exception of, maybe, a giant (San Franciso) or an avalanche (Colorado Rockies). I think a Phillie puts up the best fight the Tiger sees, but it is a brutal ending for our Phanatic friend.
World Series of Mascot Combat Champion: Detroit Tigers
